You know when they say ‘listen to your parents’. And we never do.
As a child we don’t want to as we don’t have much sense.
As a teenager the urge to rebel is too strong.
As an adult we think we know better.
In fact there is a very narrow window in our lives when we actually call our parents incessantly to ask them for advice.That window is mostly post children when we are in the same boat as them and can relate to them.
My dad has always been what we called a ‘clean machine’. My mum has struggled all her life to tell him to not ‘waste’ tissues to pick up/touch dirty objects that may/may not be infected or ‘waste’ so much soap washing hands religiously.
When we came home from shopping, he would make us wash our hands and any area that was in contact with the germy outdoor world. When we came from the hospital or even the dentist he would make us change our clothes and wash hands or preferably take a shower. Everyone else would tell us germs are good, dirt is good as it builds our immunity. My dad would shake his head and point to the sink.
With the Covid-19 pandemic breaking out and spreading rapidly across the globe, a friend recently asked me forlornly – what will we do? I told her I will just carry on doing what my dad has always told me to do. And hope for the best.
Yes, take the virus seriously as it is spreading fast but please also do the following;
There is a lot of information circulating out there- believe reliable sources and facts not conspiracy theories.
Don’t spiral into panic; as it may effect your mind before it effects your body. Pray or meditate whatever works for you.
Be humane and considerate; Leave some soap/tissues for other people on the shelves as you need them to be clean as well.
Stay at home as much as you can and keep your children with you, limit exposure to big gatherings. Try to work from home if you can.
Above all -keep clean. Clean your hands and surfaces religiously.
As international women’s day approaches, I wanted to quote some women writers who have inspired millions with their wit, wisdom and courage. Quoting only a few of them is difficult because there are so many women out there, some living and some in a better place, who are torch bearers and the reason that a modicum of love and harmony still exists in the world today. They define the spirit of feminism. I’ll start with women who come to my mind first and since I am in love with words, those who give them their due importance.
‘A word after a word after a word is power.’ Margaret Atwood.
‘The words that come out of our mouth do not vanish but are perpetually stored in infinite space, and they will come back to us in due time.’ Elif Shafaq.
In today’s digital world, words have a power that is unprecedented. They can spew hate, be brand ambassadors to misogyny and prejudice creating a world of intolerance. They can also be used to uplift progressive causes and be the precursors of change as they spread their wings to spread love. A typed word sent out, like the written word in eons gone by, now has a power akin to a weapon. We as soldiers just need to know how to use it.
In the words of Atwood again, “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”
This sentence harks true specially today when the blanket slogan of ‘Mera Jism Meri Marzi’ and a group of women coming out on the streets for a peaceful march to protest against the crimes committed against her person has become a topic of heated debate. Is it right or wrong? Is it vulgarity prompting these women or aligning their views to the west? The slogans appear confused, varied and disjointed, you wander? It’s not the fault of the women scribbling them because the crimes against them have been so varied and so confounding in themselves. There is a story in each billboard, a dark terrible story if someone were only to stop and ask.
This line from Atwood, sitting so far away from our Aurat March, explains why men hold the reins a little tighter around a woman’s neck. We cannot laugh at a superior, can we? Only at an equal. We can joke with an equal, we can mock them but we dare not stare in a superior’s eyes and demand they behave themselves. Men in a misogynistic culture expect women to know their place, that place is not of equality, it’s the same place as their mothers and sisters have and the women before them. ‘A rat in a maze is free to go anywhere, as long as it stays inside the maze.’ Atwood. As long as they don’t talk openly about all the abuse they face on a daily basis, they are free to think. That’s progressive. The freedom to think but, ‘As long as she thinks of a man, nobody objects to a woman thinking.’ Virginia Woolf.
Islamic values are used to make sure women like the colouring of a toddler stays inside the lines. The same Islam vanishes from their vocabulary and line of thought, when they grope women in crowded streets, when they leer at them, rape them, beat them black and blue and finally kill them in spirit and body. Why are women marching, you ask? Because they are afraid that men will kill them one day, they will kill their soul, their spirit, their dignity before they kill their bodies. They cannot articulate what it is they are shouting for. But can we just take heed that they are shouting? They are in agony. Taking notice there is a problem is the least you can do.
The role of media in bringing about change for women is undebatable. Women binge watch TV plays and if a repeated message plays on like persistent advertising with a narrative calling them weak, helpless and put upon, subconsciously they won’t be surprised when it happens to them. Media has the power to open forums of discussions and debate or to cash in on cheap ratings. Of course they can show the ugly truth of our world ‘as is’, putting up their hands helplessly and saying this is exactly what happened or ‘happens’ in our society but they can also open a narrative saying this is how things should happen and let that out as the accepted practice.
A writer that I have admired from a long time, Haseena Moin, says, “I wrote strong female characters that were bold and courageous and could have a good laugh along the way. Today’s plays either show the women to be weak, submissive and oppressed or the conniving home-wrecker. This simplification of complex issues needs to stop.” I grew up watching Tara of Shehzori, Sana of Unkahi, Zara of Tanhaiyaan and Dr. Zoya of Dhoop Kinare and I aspired to be as bold and brave as them, their feet firmly planted on the ground and a humility and humour that could laugh at their own weaknesses but never doubt their inner strength. I look for these characters in vain these days. No matter how strong a female character, it never inspires a dream in me.
Personally, for me there are so many stars that I’ll have to write a novel on all my favourites, some well-known, some unknown and some fictional. For me the brightest of them all is still my mother. Not because she is a saint, has never done anything wrong and I have placed her on a pedestal like we are wont to do with our maters. She is a strong courageous woman, who has lived life on her own terms, has made mistakes, fallen, stood up and marched right ahead with her head held high. My favourite quote from her is, ‘Fall, fail, or weep but never accede to disrespect and final defeat.’
To sum it up, women should set the standard and template of how we need to be treated. ‘I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other.’ Jane Austen. It’s not as simple and we will be mistreated multiple time in the process. As long as we know what the goal is and that goal is clear of how we want to be treated we need to fight towards it. It’s an ongoing war to change mindsets and culture but you only need three weapons to win any war; courage, intelligence and persistence. And I really hope we win this one for our daughters and granddaughters.
Fierce rain beat against the window pane, clawing at it like razor sharp nails and the sound scratched at her brain. Just a few more moments, she pacified herself. Her carer placed her chocolate milkshake by her side, smiled and nodded at her ‘It will be over soon’. She drank it without taking a breath. The gnawing voices in her mind ebbed away as permanent sleep beckoned her kindly. ‘Thank you’ she addressed her carer who placed the empty sleeping pills bottle back in the drawer. The carer sat beside her waiting to hear her breathing halt and when she was as still as a coffin, she pulled her gold chain roughly from her sagging neck, took off the gold bangles from her wrinkled spotted arms and walked out of the room.
“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” Ernest hemingway.
It’s as simple as that but a lot more complicated as well. Anyone can rip their hearts open and bleed on paper. To make an art of it is another matter altogether.
I have spent years ignoring the worm in my head that tells me to write with excuses like too impractical, what’s the use, no time, will never see the light of day and many more but some things don’t need an excuse. A passion has a life throbbing inside it waiting to be lived. It just needs to be let out of the cage within you. It may fly to dizzying heights like an eagle or plop to the floor in a single unimpressive arc. Yet, it deserves a life and I have decided to give mine one.
In a recent Pakistani movie, ‘Pinky Memsaab’, there is a dialogue between a father and a daughter which stayed with me. The daughter tells her father she has stopped writing and he says, ”Good for you. I also think I should stop several things, stop reading for instance, then I think to myself that maybe certain things can be done for their own sake without them leading to anything else like living for instance or writing.”
Point being-the destination ceases to be of import when the quest itself is so fulfilling.
By profession, I am a London based accountant, ACCA, and have held finance jobs in different sectors like Audit, IT, Education and Fitness.
I recently became a mother to a beautiful baby girl and that has been a wonderful, crazy and blessed experience. Amidst all the tears (of joy), overwhelming tides of keeping a little human alive, sleepless nights, and ALOT of BABY SHARK in my ears, a place where I could pen my thoughts was a welcome break to think and unwind. Welcome all and do leave comments. As a new mummy it is hard for me to be regular but I will try my best.
I get it now. The baby shark song. It has been eating at my brain for sometime. In my midnight mummy musings I have wandered why sharks? Why baby shark?
For a few days now, I wake up to this sight: My baby’s face approaching in slow mo, her mouth wide open and then her gums with a beginnings of a fang, clamp down on my nose which is the only feature that sticks out like a tempting teether for her.
Somewhere between the land of consciousness and sleep, I open one sleepy eye and see her chubby face approach, baby shark mode and I start laughing anticipating the bite marks that would follow for sure but unable to resist her cuteness.
A simple and powerful message in the recent trailer of Bollywood movie -Thapad.
Nahi maar sakta. It’s a deal breaker. It’s breaks trust and eliminates respect.
Physical abuse is non-negotiable in a relationship.
Even if it’s just once.
Even if it’s a light slap or a hard one. Even if it’s a push, a shove, a kick or a punch.
Even if your family tells you it’s not that big a deal.
Even if you slap him back.
Even if it’s happened to every second woman you know and they have seemingly happy homes.
A nemeses of sorts to another Bollywood movie-Kabir Singh.
But what about emotional abuse?
Harder to figure out and harder to take a stand against.
Here are a few pointers of what constitutes an emotionally abusive relationship.
It starts way before physical abuse and may not ever lead to it.
1. Isolates you and breaks communication channels with your family and friends so that you are only dependent on him/her, emotionally, financially or physically.
2. Constantly makes you feel guilty about all the problems in his/her life.
2. Manipulates you into doings things you don’t want to.
3. Tries to control you. Your every action, your freedom, your words and even your thought processes.
4. Discourages you or limits your exposure to the things you enjoy doing that make you feel happy.
5. Is jealous of you. Instead of feeling proud of your individual success he/she sulks or fights with you.
6. Doesn’t like you doing anything like having fun without him/her, is an attention seeker who wants you to focus on him/her alone.
Reading another blog (www.jabeenqadri.com/blog/my-journey-with-emotional-abuse) I came across some of these points that I have seen unfold with some people close to me as well. Taking a stand against both types of abuse is essential for a happy life with dignity and healthy relationships.
No matter how good you are with your work, slogging away at that balance sheet and budget reports you will not head anywhere until you get the management to come on board with your vision and accept your agency for the work. This means transparent direct communication and a good professional rapport with your senior management. Accountancy is not just reporting of numbers anymore. In today’s world, it’s predicting what they mean for now and the future. You need to come up with solutions to the business’s problems and those solutions needs to be heard and taken on board.
Be creative:
You are asked for a report for revenue trends. You pull out the automated report from the company’s CRM, maybe even plot it on a graph and throw in your two cents on it. It won’t fly in the long run. Get creative. Why does the graph trend the way it does, what could be impacting it? Get the factors impacting it and plot it on that chart as well. If A and B are asked give C and D as well. This will show you aren’t just an unimaginative data monkey.
Be a great manager:
A great manager brings out the true potential of the people in his team. It may mean getting your hands dirty or it may mean delegating. It may mean offering flexible homework solutions or it may mean office micro-management for junior staff members. Facilitate your team to be the best they can. Be a teacher, a mentor, a friend or a guide, but whatever you do, don’t be the king of the castle asking for blind obedience and loyalty. Help your team to help you succeed.
Own your mistakes:
To err is human. Every once in a while (hopefully not that often) you might slip and thankfully in accounting no one dies on the operating table. When you’ve made that mistake in the numbers own up to it, correct it and move on with your head held high. Blaming someone else, covering it up or denying it ruins your good will and brand. Be honest and open about your work problems to build trust. If you’ve made the mistake because you have too much on your plate and thereby you’ve hurried that report, discuss this issue with the management and offer a solution at the same time.
Stay two steps ahead:
When you have those free fifteen minutes, instead of checking your latest face book feed or day dreaming as the kettle boils, think of what else the business may need and work on it. Pull the bunny out of the hat at that next board meeting. It may come back as a surprise question anyway or it may just serve to impress.
Netflix series ‘You’ spoke of the seven totems of Los Angeles. If anyone were to spot all seven they would be unable to leave the city. It got me thinking of the equivalent seven totems of London.
Pressed against a stranger on a cramped train/tube and avoiding eye contact throughout the journey.
Seeing someone falling through the gap between the train and the platform while warnings of ‘Mind the gap’ play out in the background.
Witnessing a bus/truck run over a cyclist or a person on an electric scooter.
An empty Trafalgar Square (besides pigeons).
Being let on the bus free due to a faulty ticket machine.
Getting stuck on tower bridge as it opens.
A dog in a pram (that one matches the LA totem) and a child on a leash.
I have lived in London for ten years and I am short of two so there is still hope for me 🙂 What’s your take on the seven totems of your city?
